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what would change if i left?
would you wear your sadness
like a bullet-- raw and fresh and
slung, chafing, into solemn chambers;

or would you swallow it down
to poison your lungs,
steal your breath & dissolve
the remnants of me?

would you smoke yourself out,
a pyre of anger in one fist
smouldering with resentment--
unfueled but hot and bright and
burning our love to ashes;

or would you hang it,
trailing, coiled around your neck
where it will catch, untenanted,
on shards of me and tighten
to choke you?

would you throw in the towel
and jump, too, unfettered
without my soul;

or would you just breathe butterflies,
an exultation of relief and gratitude?
As dark as this is, it's not a suicide note. I'm not suicidal.

Sometimes I just think about leaving (but I'm not going anywhere).


If you want to leave constructive feedback you're welcome to do so, but official critique is off because I can't guarantee I will actually come back to this one for any major changes. (I will of course still take any thoughts/suggestions into consideration, and appreciate them, I just don't want to feel like I've wasted your time.)
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:iconrohdrez11520:
Rohdrez11520 Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014
Damn it.

You suicide note looks just like mine, only thought out and well-worded.
Seriously, how does this keep happening?
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the comment!

I'm not sure what you mean by "Seriously, how does this keep happening" though?
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:iconmalco735:
Malco735 Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It hits hard and makes an impact...such powerful words and images.

I've been dangerously close to suicide in my younger days (bullying, lack of help) so pieces like this make me realise that others go through similar thoughts. I'm on the last line though; it's all behind me now.

Really inspiring stuff! Well done
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Aw, thank you. I'm glad you got good out of this!

And I'm even more glad to hear that your suicidal thoughts are behind you now! I hope you're able to keep them staved off and never have to experience that pain again. :huggle:
Reply
:iconmalco735:
Malco735 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome :D and thank you.

Yeah, they are now. I've staved them off for years, but it wasn't until I confronted them and openly talked about them that I felt much better. My own suicide/self-harm issues are now in the distant past and this is the future. Thank you for your kind words :huggle:
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, I'm so glad for you! :) That really is wonderful to hear.
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:iconmalco735:
Malco735 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much :hug: I hope you eventually feel better about yourself after all you've been through. I know this piece seems dark, but that last line gives out a little hope, which is all you need sometimes.
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggle:
You really are such a sweetheart! Thank you.
Reply
:iconmalco735:
Malco735 Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle: You are more than welcome
Reply
:iconfierydownpour479:
FieryDownpour479 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, this story leaves an impact on me. I feel like it truly could be coming from someone who is suicidal. But, it's rather unfortunate that most who are, don't receive answers to know how much people really love them and would miss them. But, I like all the descriptive language you used, despite how melancholy this is.
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you.

I think it depends what you define as "suicidal". For me, I only say I'm suicidal if I have two out of the following three: means, method & motivation. If I have two and am halfway to the 'achieving' the third, then I'm in imminent danger and hospitalisation needs to be discussed urgently. I was incredibly down when I wrote this, but I only had means and halfway to motivation, so I knew I wasn't a suicide risk yet. (Does any of that even make sense? I'm just very careful about my use of "suicidal" because I don't want to worry people unnecessarily.)

I'm glad you liked the descriptive language and that the poem had a strong impact on you, though! Thank you for commenting. :heart:
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:iconfierydownpour479:
FieryDownpour479 Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome :)

I understand that, and it does make sense. And I'm glad you think that way and can recognize when you would need help; unfortunately, most people don't realize that...

And you're welcome, again! :heart:
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I think more people realise than is recognised -- there's a big difference between realising, and doing something about it, though. I think a lot of people say something earlier rather than later in the process, but those who don't may recognise and just keep their mouths shut. Unfortunately, I know for myself that if I've got 2/3, I can say I'm having a hard time. If I'm well on the way to 3/3, I won't say a word even though I recognise this is the time to speak up - by the time I'm there, I don't WANT to speak up.

(I kind of feel sorry for my treatment professionals, because it must be really hard to guage with someone like me. On the other hand, at least I'm upfront about things when I'm well enough to be, so they know ahead of time what they're in for.)

:heart:
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:iconjoshuarmour15:
joshuarmour15 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
If you are lost, my friend, I would not wear my sadness like a bullet.  Nor would I let it poison me.  I would not burn with fury, for I know that you made your choice, regrettable, but who am I to judge?  Nor would I tie the rope of sorrow around my neck.  'Twould be a terrible way to remember you.  Following you to the grave would be a waste.  I would make sure you were remembered for who you are, that you can leave a legacy when you are gone.  I would feel no joy, no relief, no relaxing.  I would feel hope, that wherever you are is better than before.
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's really sweet. :heart:
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:iconjoshuarmour15:
joshuarmour15 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The fact that you asked these questions at all is proof that you care for those around you despite how down you are.  Enjoy life.  Most of those who are feeling suicidal don't care about how others feel.  It's, in truth, a useless act of desperation.  I am glad that you have asked the questions.  Remember, you will be missed by those who love you no matter how you leave.
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart: Thank you.
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:icondreampuppeteer:
DreamPuppeteer Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist

The title grabbed my attention "XD

Beautifully written, and often familiar to the minds of almost every person who's felt this way at one point or another.

Very great work!

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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much! I'm glad you 'enjoyed' it.
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:iconlightoverpowers58:
LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013  Student Writer
These words are achingly familiar, yet for some reason undeniably hopeful. They inspire me to live life to the utmost degree and take joy in all things.

So, I thank you. :hug:
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome! :huggle:
I'm glad I could help you find inspiration to live life to its fullest. :heart:
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:iconaurora9912:
Aurora9912 Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Why would you change something that you wrote, and believed complete to the point that you posted it here, on the words of a stranger?  Or even a friend?  I love this.  I love the visuals and how it feels.  What matters most, really, what you think of it.  ♥ 
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Aw, thank you. I believe in edits based on critiques, but I never change something I don't agree with. ♥

I'm glad you like this one as is, though, thank you!
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:iconravendehartfox:
RavenDehartFox Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013
Beautiful, just beautiful. Heart I've had suicidal thoughts in the past since I wasn't very social, never had I realize there are people out there to care for me. Though, I always kept a positive thought. :D (Big Grin) 
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!

I'm sorry to hear you've struggled with suicidal thoughts before, that's really rough, but I'm glad you've been able to keep a positive thought each time so far! I hope that continues, and eventually positive thoughts outnumber the dark ones. :heart:
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:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013
bleak but familiar thoughts. very well-done.
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. :huggle:
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:iconravage-whitehawk:
Ravage-Whitehawk Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
After reading this, i need to focus on life more than anything else. No matter what happens in my life. Very well thought out words. I would like to read more of these.
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! I'm glad you were able to get something so positive from this poem. :heart:
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:iconravage-whitehawk:
Ravage-Whitehawk Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
your welcome. I used to write things like this. It helps to keep my life and my mind sane. I will have to keep reading these. To me, they are helpful and meaningful.
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
*nod*

I'm glad it's helpful and meaningful for you. :)
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2013  Student Writer
I really liked reading this :)
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Student Writer
You're welcome :)
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:iconladybrookecelebwen:
LadyBrookeCelebwen Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, this hits hard. Nice writing. :)
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart:
Thank you, darling.
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:iconladybrookecelebwen:
LadyBrookeCelebwen Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! :D
Reply
:iconsasusakuforever99:
sasusakuforever99 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I've thought a lot about this before (and until now but not as much), especially during my first year of high school, although, yes, I'm not suicidal. I've wondered what would happen if I suddenly die or disappear from the world, and this expresses it so well, so painfully raw, but, mostly, I wondered if anyone would care. And, until now, actually, I don't think anyone would.

I was hoping to write it in a form of a poem, but, you did it first and you've done better. This is amazing, you are amazing. I love it. (:
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:love: Thank you, that's really sweet of you. I'm glad you enjoyed what I wrote -- but please don't let it stop you from writing your version as well! :heart:

I hope there are people in your life who have told you they would care -- but if not, please know that I believe we leave bigger holes in other peoples' lives than we ever realise. I know some of the most peripheral folks in my life have left big holes when they're not there anymore (for whatever reason), and I believe that that is the case for most people.
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:iconsasusakuforever99:
sasusakuforever99 Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Looking at it in that way, yes, I do suppose you're right. Perhaps I just don't realize it. Actually, I'm aware that there are people who care about me - my parents, my grandparents, my brother and my closet friends - I keep reminding myself that, but, for some reason, I still feel alone. I honestly don't understand as well. But, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts. It helps a lot. (:

And, actually, you just inspired me to write it now. Thank you again. (:
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart:

Feeling alone is hard, and it's definitely possible even when we know people do care for and about us. I'm glad you do have so much family who care, though -- maybe if you tell them a little about how you're feeling, you might feel a bit less alone? It's okay to not want to, though, sometimes that helps and sometimes it doesn't so I figured it was worth throwing out there.
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:iconsasusakuforever99:
sasusakuforever99 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, it is, actually, worth throwing it out there. (And I apologize for the late reply.)

And may I talk to you about this thing happening to me? I'll send you a note; it's quite personal. And it seems like you're one who will understand.

Don't you think it's strange that people keep saying that there are dangerous people in the internet [and there are, of course], but the side of the internet - where there is a much greater amount of people who aren't dangerous and who are understanding, non-judgmental, and who actually cares, even if you have no idea who you're talking to - the positive side - is less acknowledged?
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Nothing to apologise for. :)

Yes, you certainly can. I'm a bit unwell at the moment so I can't guarantee I'll respond quickly, but please don't take a slow response as a sign of disinterest or that I don't appreciate the honour you're bestowing by sharing a part of yourself with me. :heart:

I think it depends where you hang out -- I've never had any trouble with people not acknowledging the positive side of the internet, but then most of my family are very internet-savvy! I'm glad that you do find the internet a mostly safe and good environment, though, and I hope that continues for you!
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:iconizuiii:
IzuiII Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013
well, i am suicidal and i wonder this everyday
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm so sorry to hear that. Please get help - you deserve better, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem, and you are worth so much more. :heart:
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:iconsuchimupanku:
Suchimupanku Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
same here
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Please get help for yourself. As I said above -- suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem -- and all things are temporary in life, even the ones that feel endless and horrible. :heart:
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:iconsuchimupanku:
Suchimupanku Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
or I could just continue to be a wimp sooooo...
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't think it's about being a wimp.
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