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Written Stuff by Shatteredlinez

Literature by AlFangMindSculptor42

Literature by Spectral-Aspen

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Submitted on
December 5, 2013


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Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License.
My arms are weighted with her space,
a heaviness that won't compare--
her toes, her smile, her tiny face,
and the imagined white-blonde hair;
forgive this mother's grief for stolen dreams
and let alone these tears that stream.
Forgive this mother's grief,
forgive this mother's grief,
remember things aren't always what they seem.

I know it's wrong to yearn for them,
but those moments when you despair
would give to me what was unsent--
a life of burdens I wish I could wear.
Forgive this jealous heart that wants to share
the grumpy shouts, the unmade beds you bear.
Forgive this jealous heart,
forgive this jealous heart,
remember it's 'bout her, my sweet butterfly of air.

This heart still aches for my baby's weight,
and the screaming absence of her cry
opens anew an unhealed space
where all that lives is the question-- "why?"
Let this heart heal as we grow old
and if an outburst leaves you cold,
let this heart heal.
Let this heart heal,
butterfly babies are heavy to hold.
Anyway, this is day five of DFC -- to find out more, hop on over to this DFC journal.

The Trijan Refrain features three nonets (9-line stanzas). It encompasses rhyme, meter and refrains and the structure is a,b,a,b,C,c,D,D,c where D is the first 4 words of line 5.

**EDIT: Major revision on 16th January, to fix some problems mentioned in a critique by the lovely ShadowedAcolyte! (Thank you.)
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-04-26
The suggester says Forgive This Grief (Miscarriage) by bloodawni "uses the form well, and pairs the form excellently with the serious subject matter to really improve the pathos." ( Suggested by ShadowedAcolyte and Featured by GrimFace242 )
Hi, I'm here to critique this piece for CRITmas! A few disclaimers: 1) this critique is only my opinion, which you're free to heed or not as you like; 2) the critique will be more negative than positive, but only because it will naturally touch on things I like about the piece but more extensively discuss the things I don't, 3) please don't be upset about the stars--I'm very stingy with them, as I think a work that is all around solidly done and enjoyable to read is a 3, and 4) I'm exceptionally long winded, so this will be unnecessarily long.

Lacking any questions from you, I'm going to approach this top to bottom. I really enjoy this piece, and other than some strained rhymes it lacks any serious flaws, so my critique will focus on nitty-gritty details. I didn't count syllables anywhere, so if those are in error it won't appear in this critique.

Title: The plaintive tone of the title really sets up the piece, and that it was one of the refrain lines is excellent as well.

Stanza 1 (S1): "this heart of mine" is a readymade phrase; the opening would be stronger with something fresher. A verb other than "bears" might pair more interestingly with "burden", since that's a bit of a cliche as well. All in all, the first line could use some work. I don't like the "oh" in line 3 (L3), so I'd suggest adding that extra syllable some other way. I'm not a huge fan of "emotions" as "balms"--"balms" sounds like it's just in there for rhyming purposes, which is weak, and the connection to emotions is a bit tenuous. I'd probably leave it as "balm" (it's already an offrhyme anyway, which is fine) and replace emotions with a reference to the exact kind of emotions--tantrums, cry-fests, weeping, something like that. And the more concrete, the better. The last 5 lines of this stanza are excellent. The refrain is excellently chosen, really nailing in the speaker's emotion. The rhymes aren't as forced here as they are elsewhere (except maybe "stream"). Well done.

S2: This opening here is a bit weak because "this" is never really fully elucidated in the piece. Wherever possible, "this" should either have an obvious antecedent or the postcedent should come very rapidly and clearly. Likewise, the "you" in L2 is a bit more vague than this poem's otherwise direct language. L4 is exceptional! I still think revising to avoid the "bearing burdens" readymade would improve it ("a lifetime of trials"?), but the emotions are tight-pitched there. And the second half of the stanza is mostly strong--"unmade beds" is a killer line, although I don't understand the "you bear" right afterward, and I think you could revise to avoid the awkward " 'bout", simply by shuffling the sentence around. I'll chalk that bit up to the insanity of DFC.

S3: Lines 1 and 2 here are spectacular. They really hit the reader in the gut. The following two lines are almost as strong, and these are some of the best rhymes in the piece, seeming completely natural and totally unforced. The "-ast" rhymes in the second half of the stanza are much weaker, between the unnatural-seeming use of "aghast" and the passive voice of "I've been cast". I might rethink all three of those. The refrain here, though, I'd keep, because it has a slightly hopeful tone that contrasts--but does not reject--the melancholy of the previous two refrains.

I'd probably revise all of the "you"s out of the poem, as an audience isn't necessary to convey the speaker's grief. If you do that and get the clunkier rhymes to work more like the relaxed ones, this piece will jump from "great" to "mind-blowingly amazing". If you do make any edits, I'd love to see the piece again. Thanks for sharing your work! (And if this poem is autobiographical in nature, I'm so sorry for your loss.)
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Detonation-Imminent Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This has been in my fav gallery for sometime and I just rediscovered it; thank you so much for writing this. In 2010 I had a Molar Pregnancy (which is a rare form of pregnancy that never results in a viable fetus...more like a bunch of tissue trying to give me cancer, really), and this poem says everything I felt.

Thank you for your words.
fernknits Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Wait, did you tell me about this becoming a DD?  I don't think you did!  Shame on you!

But seriously, your DD could not have been better deserved.  You certainly did use the form well, and were able to avoid having this become what could be saccharine and self-pity, and elicit sympathy without pity (at least from me.)  Extremely solid poem, my friend; well done! :heart:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Woopsie. Umm, I.. uh. I don't know why. Let's try this again.

Hey fernish, guess what! I got a DD on my Forgive This Grief poem! ;)

And thank you so much for the compliments. :heart:
ArwynandCole Featured By Owner May 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Amazing-and so sad.  
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. :huggle:
Sonicissodreamy Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is great!
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks very much. :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Sonicissodreamy Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yw.I love to see people writing their own stuff!
ssensory Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Student Writer
Major congrats on the DD! :tighthug:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you, lovely! :huggle:
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